56 terms in plain English
The BDSM A–Z.
A plain-English glossary of BDSM, kink and fetish terms - from aftercare to wax play - so nothing you read on a profile is a mystery. Written for Pennsylvania.
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A
- Aftercare
- The care two people give each other once a scene ends - water, warmth, quiet, reassurance. The comedown can hit hard, and looking after it is part of doing this well, not an afterthought.
- Age play
- Role play built around acting younger or older than you are. Non-sexual for some, part of a dynamic for others; like any role play, it runs on consent and agreed limits.
B
- Bondage
- Restraint by agreement - rope, cuffs, straps - because being held, or doing the holding, is the point. See the bondage guide.
- Bottom
- The person on the receiving end of a scene - tied, given sensation, or led. Not the same as submissive: you can bottom without handing over control, and lead from the bottom too.
- Brat
- A submissive who pushes back and enjoys the resistance - cheeky, testing, made to be reined in. A playful dynamic, agreed like any other.
- Breath play
- Play involving control of breathing. One of the higher-risk activities there is; the people who do it safely study it carefully first, and plenty of experienced people never go near it.
C
- Collar
- A band worn around the neck to mark a dynamic - from a play collar worn for a scene to a day collar worn as a sign of an ongoing commitment. Offered and accepted, never simply imposed.
- Collaring
- The act of giving and accepting a collar - sometimes a small private moment, sometimes a formal ceremony. It marks a dynamic; it carries no legal weight.
- Consensual non-consent
- A negotiated dynamic where one person agrees in advance to scenes that play at resisting or being overpowered. The consent is real and detailed; the "non-consent" is the act. A safeword still ends it.
- Consent
- The agreement, freely given and able to be withdrawn at any moment, that separates BDSM from abuse. It is ongoing, not a one-time yes. See safety.
- Crop
- A short riding crop used for impact - a sharp, precise sting rather than a thud. A common first impact toy because it is easy to aim.
- Cuffs
- Padded restraints for wrists or ankles. Quick to put on and take off, hard to get wrong, and the easiest place to start with restraint.
D
- D/s
- Dominance and submission - a power exchange where one person leads and the other follows, by choice, for a scene or as the shape of a relationship.
- Degradation
- Consensual humiliation as part of a scene - names, orders, being made to feel small - for people who find it a turn-on. Negotiated carefully, because where the line sits is personal.
- Discipline
- Rules with agreed consequences. One half of the "B&D" in BDSM - structure and correction, by consent, inside a dynamic both people have chosen.
- Dom drop
- The low that can hit the person who led a scene afterwards, once the adrenaline fades. Real, often overlooked, and a reason aftercare runs both ways.
- Dominant
- The person who leads a scene and carries responsibility for it. Leading well is a skill, not a volume setting. See the guide for Dominants.
- Dungeon
- A space set up for play, private or at an event. Less gothic than it sounds - usually just a room with the right furniture and the right people.
E
- Edge play
- An umbrella term for higher-risk activities that sit near someone's physical or emotional edge. The people who do it are usually the most careful in the room, not the least.
- Edging
- Bringing someone close to climax and stopping, again and again. A tease-and-denial technique, and a dynamic in its own right.
F
- Femdom
- Female-led power exchange - a woman in control of a partner who wants exactly that. See the femdom guide.
- Fetish
- A specific object, material or situation that is close to necessary for arousal - feet, leather, latex. Common, and nothing to be ashamed of. See the fetish guide.
- Flogger
- A multi-tailed impact toy. Depending on the tails and the swing it can be a gentle thud or a serious sting - versatile, and a favourite for exactly that reason.
G
- Gag
- Something worn in or over the mouth during a scene. Comes with its own safety rule: agree a non-verbal signal first, because a safeword is no use when you cannot speak.
H
- Hard limit
- A line that does not move - an activity someone will not do under any circumstances. Stated up front, and respected without argument. The opposite of a soft limit.
I
- Impact play
- Striking the body for sensation - hand, crop, flogger, paddle - by consent, inside limits. Ranges from a light spanking to heavier play. Placement and aftercare matter.
K
- Kink
- The broad word for anything outside the vanilla mainstream. BDSM is part of it, and so is a great deal more. See the kink guide.
L
- Leather
- Both a material fetish and the name of an older, organised corner of kink culture, with its own history and codes - strong in the gay scene in particular.
- Limit
- Something a person will not do, or will only do within bounds. Hard limits do not move; soft limits are a maybe. Naming them is a sign of self-knowledge, not fussiness.
M
- Masochist
- Someone who takes pleasure in receiving strong sensation or pain, by consent. Paired often with a sadist, who enjoys giving it - a fit, not an insult.
- Munch
- A casual social meet-up for kinky people, usually in an ordinary public place like a pub or cafe, with no play involved. The low-pressure way into a local scene.
N
- Negotiation
- The conversation before a scene where two people agree what is on, what is off, and the safeword - while both are clear-headed. The unglamorous part that makes the rest safe.
P
- Pet play
- Role play where one person takes on the mannerisms of an animal - a pup, a kitten - and the other the handler. Playful, often non-sexual, and its own community.
- Power exchange
- The heart of D/s - one person giving authority to another, by agreement. It can last a scene or run through a whole relationship.
- Primal
- A rawer, instinct-led style of play - less protocol, more chasing, wrestling and growling. For people who want the animal rather than the ceremony.
- Protocol
- Agreed rules and rituals within a dynamic - forms of address, standing instructions, ways of behaving. It holds the shape of a dynamic between scenes.
R
- RACK
- Risk-Aware Consensual Kink - a framework that says accept an activity is never zero-risk, understand the risks, and consent anyway. The grown-up successor to SSC.
- Rigger
- The person who ties in rope bondage. A skill that rewards real study - good riggers learn circulation, nerves and safe placement before knots.
- Rope bottom
- The person being tied. Not passive: a good rope bottom knows their own body, watches for numbness, and speaks up - the tie is a two-person job.
S
- Sadist
- Someone who takes pleasure in giving strong sensation or pain to a willing partner. Governed, like everything here, by consent and limits.
- Safeword
- A word that stops a scene instantly, chosen so it could never be said by accident. "Red" is the classic. Non-negotiable. See safety.
- Scene
- A single episode of play, with a beginning and an end - negotiated beforehand, closed with aftercare. The basic unit of BDSM.
- Service
- Submission expressed through doing - tasks, attendance, ritual - for the pleasure of the person served. What counts as service is whatever the two people agree.
- Shibari
- The Japanese-rooted art of decorative rope bondage, as much about the pattern and the aesthetic as the restraint. Best learned in person; there are classes in both Pennsylvania cities.
- Soft limit
- A maybe - something a person is hesitant about but might try under the right conditions, with the right person. Sits between an enthusiastic yes and a hard limit.
- Spanking
- Impact with the hand, usually on the backside. For many people the first step into impact play - immediate, low-kit, and easy to keep light.
- SSC
- Safe, Sane and Consensual - an older guiding phrase for BDSM. Still widely used, though many now prefer RACK for being honest that no activity is truly risk-free.
- Sub drop
- The emotional and physical low a submissive can feel in the hours or days after an intense scene, as the body's chemistry settles. Normal, and managed with aftercare and rest.
- Submissive
- The person who hands over control, on their own terms, inside limits they set. Active, not passive - the power sits closer to them than it looks. See the guide for submissives.
- Subspace
- A floaty, altered headspace a submissive can drop into during an intense scene. Lovely, and a reason the person leading has to watch closely and bring them down gently.
- Switch
- Someone who moves between dominant and submissive, depending on the partner and the mood. Not indecisive - just comfortable on both sides.
T
- Tease and denial
- Building arousal and deliberately withholding release, as a dynamic. Patience as a form of control - and, for the person on the receiving end, of surrender.
- Top
- The person giving or leading in a scene - tying, striking, directing. Not the same as Dominant: you can top a scene without holding ongoing authority.
- Topping from the bottom
- When the person who is meant to be following quietly steers the scene instead. Usually a sign that something needs renegotiating out loud.
V
- Vanilla
- Sex or relationships without kink - the mainstream default. Not an insult here, just the word for the other thing. Plenty of people move between both.
W
- Wax play
- Dripping warm candle wax onto the skin for sensation. Lower-risk than it looks with the right candles, and a common piece of sensation play - though the wrong candle burns.
No jargon, no gatekeeping
Now you know the words.
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